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The Sperm Bank Adventure!

So the topic of sperm banking was brought up at one of my doctors’ appointments. Since they have already chopped my left nut off the doc suggested that it would be wise to bank before starting chemo since there is a pretty good chance that the chemo could render me sterile. I discussed it with my mother (I know.. yes, it WAS awkward) and although at this point I don’t think I will be bringing any children into this world, I figured I would give it a year and see where things stand.

So back to the story… my doctor’s office scheduled me for an appointment at 10am the day before I started chemo. I was sent some directions to help me prepare for the exciting day. One was to stay abstinent for at least 2 days prior to “banking”… in other words, don’t fap for 2 days before you go in. Fair enough..

When I arrived at the Sperm Bank they drew some blood to make sure I was disease free (I guess cancer does not count!) and was then led down the hall and told to wait in this chair outside some doors. I was told they wanted to, I kid you not, make sure the room had been cleaned. Now this brought up MANY different thoughts.. Had someone just gone crazy in there and made a mess everywhere??!! What was I getting myself into?! While the room was being cleaned I noticed that the sign on the door was different than all of the others. The other doors said things like “Examination Room A” while the room I was about to go simply had a sign on the door saying “Do Not Disturb”… I was not sure if I should be excited or nervous or what as I was only minutes from entering what was potentially some sort of forbidden sex room with who knows what behind the door labeled “Do Not Disturb”!!

The wait was over; I was led into the forbidden room by a woman who barely spoke English. I say that because I had to make out what she was pointing at and what she was trying to convey through her gestures (no, not that kind!)

Here are some pics of the forbidden room that no one was to disturb me in.

Notice that they gave me water (to hydrate afterwords) and a puppy pad to put on the EZ-Chair seat, which got me thinking about how many guys had sat there doing what I was about to have to do… that plus mild OCD does not work well together. I did my best to block out those thoughts and push on through.

Since I could barely understand the nurse (I am guessing that is what she was) that led me in, I had to explore the room for myself. The first thing I noticed was a sign (paper in a clear binder sheet) on the wall. It was pretty much to the point, however I felt the need to take a photo because I knew people would not believe me if I was to tell them what it said, so see for yourselves.

Here is the whole sign that was on the wall. Notice the instructions for using the remote. I can only imagine the first time (before they had this sign) that some guys had to walk out with his fly down to ask how to use the DVD player. I would imagine this was what prompted the sign, along with the fact that someone clearly was stealing the DVD’s.

A few things really stood out in this note…

  1. Apparently watching porn gives men better sperm samples! Higher volume AND higher concentration!
  2. I like that they tell you not to be offended if you do not want to use the materials… PLEASE, what guy is going to get offended and what would he do if he was? Storm out?
  3. Clearly they have had a problem in the past of people stealing the DVD’s after they are done hence them telling us where we could pick up our new favorite video. Personally, I will not be visiting Frisky Business to pick up this video.

After reading this I, of course, had to check the drawers to see what goodies they had waiting for me. In the bottom drawer I found the magazines…

I was extremely disappointed in their selection! Playboy? Are you kidding me? Does this place not know that I can pretty much see the same thing in the JC Penny’s bra section of the catalog? This is what is supposed to get my juices going? Ugh.. I figured I would check the DVD to see if that would be more fun. I am going to guess that the people who purchased the DVD are not the same people who purchased the magazines; they are on a different team or something…

Here is a pic of the DVD they had..

As you can see from the photo (I did blur out the more graphic parts for those of you who might be easily offended), you can see that this girl (Ami) likes big toys and there have apparently been 25 DVD’s of girls who also like big toys. This got me to thinking, I wonder what other big toys she might like, so I decided to sit down and find out.

I will spare you the graphic bits but I will say that this DVD did not do it for me. Not to say I did not fast forward through it to see all the crazy toys (and some were CRAZY!) that Ami and her friends had because I totally did.

One thing that I noticed about the video and the magazines was that they never showed men and women together. I wonder if this was on purpose? Could this be just a conservative North Carolina thing? I guess I should have asked them when I was leaving but as you will see I was not in any mood to strike up a conversation on my way out. Read on…

The problem was the video was not doing what it was supposed to do. I was not creating “higher volume or higher concentration”, however I was fascinated and rather amused by what I was seeing. Then I realized that I had been sitting there fast forwarding through a movie fully dressed while others may be waiting to get their turn in the room anti-climactic room labeled “Do Not Disturb”.

What if they were timing me? These thoughts were no helping the situation at all!

I decided it was time. I was there on a mission and dammit I was going to complete it. So I came prepared with a fully loaded iPad. This unfortunately created a whole different set of difficulties. What if I accidentally dropped the iPad midway through? How was I supposed to drop it to grab the specimen cup without making a mess? This would be tricky but I put my problem solving hat on and got it sorted. (Email me if you need instructions on how to do this)

Once I was done I figured I would rest a bit, catch my breath and make sure I was not sweating. I should mention at this point that I made it clear to my mother that she would NOT be driving me to the sperm bank. Here were my reasons:

  1. There is just something wrong about your mother driving you to the sperm bank.
  2. The thought that she would be sitting in the waiting room whilst I fapped in the other room was too much to deal with.
  3. The thought of me going back into the waiting room to then get in a car, possibly out of breath (somewhat) and a bit sweaty was the line I was not willing to cross.

Thankfully she agreed not to drive me. :)

Once I was done, I get dressed, washed up, almost spilled the cup as I was putting the lid on it, took photos of the room of course and then headed back out to find the nurse…with specimen cup in hand.

As if the morning was not already embarrassing enough, I was given a strange look and then a roll of her eyes when I handed the nurse specimen cup. I am guessing that what she was trying to tell me in the room was that I was to leave the cup in there. Not me, I hand delivered it to her. :)

So that was my adventure at the sperm bank. For those of you who may have to embark on this wondrous journey, bring your own materials. Don’t rely on Frisky Business or the Sperm Bank to provide you with your “Do Not Disturb” room fantasies.



  • Jan 6th 201218:01
    by Derelys


    You should write a book! This was such fun reading. Thanks for a good laugh, even if it was at your expense.

  • Jan 6th 201220:01
    by Hilary


    Hilarious. I mean…

  • Jan 6th 201222:01
    by Ducy


    You’re such a wanker! 😉

  • Jan 6th 201222:01
    by Lise


    hahaahhahaahahaha surreal! 😛

  • Jan 7th 201209:01
    by Julianne


    I agree, start collecting for a book! A lighthearted and humorous take on cancer and its “companion” doctor’s visits would be a best seller for sure :)

  • Jan 9th 201220:01
    by MikeBrWade


    Hilarious and informative post!! HAHAHAA

  • May 20th 201216:05
    by Betty


    You are so awesome! Most men would not find any humor in what you are going through. I knew you were special when I met you. WIll keep sending good thoughts and prayer your way.

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