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The Devil went down to…

So who knows what Capsaicin is?

I didn’t either…. but I do now!

So last Friday I went to the dermatologist because I had an itch on my knee that was driving me mad. I was scratching it in my sleep and was waking up with a raw knee the morning.  I figured the dermatologist would be able to give me something to stop it from itching, I mean that’s what they do for a living, right? She wrote down two items for me to buy at the pharmacy; Sarna lotion and Capsaicin, which is a topical cream.

Last night before I went to bed I could tell my knee was starting to itch so I figured I would try this Sarna lotion out. I put the lotion on my knee (it puts the lotion on its body…) and watched some TV. After about 30 minutes I noticed that my knee was still itching a bit so I figured it was time for the second product, Capsaicin.

In order to better understand my mindset, I was not told anything about these products when I went to the dermatologist (aka Devils best friend) so I figured it was the sort of thing where if one didn’t work then the other would. Much like trying to put a square block in the round hole. It only works with the square hole…. Or perhaps she did tell me but I was busy wondering what interesting medical tools/devices might be in the cabinets behind her.. Either way I was not paying attention to her and this is where my story goes horribly awry.

So back to my knee… I squirt, and I say squirt, this lotion into my hand thinking it was a much thicker consistency than it really was. It was more like suntan lotion that had been sitting out in the sun, so rather runny if you will. I ended up with much more of it in my hand than I was expecting but I figured no biggie cuz I have bit legs. Now so you understand my neurosis at this point, I was worried that I might be getting a rash, chiggers, fleas, or something worse on my leg as I NEVER get anything like this.. EVER.. so any  small itch on either leg was rather strange and the one lesson I learned from cancer was to listen to my body.

Back to the small kiddie pools worth of Capsaicin sitting in the palm of my hand, which to be honest was about the size of a handful of quarters, I started rubbing it on my knee. Realizing of course that I could not put it back into the tube I figured I would go ahead and put it on both knees and legs to use the rest of it up. Why waste it? Right?

I finished rubbing it in and went into the bathroom to wash my hands but realized I had to pee..  Here began the first of many problems in the night…

Being the kind of guy who thinks ahead and likes to minimize the amount of energy expended (in case I need it for some sort of unexpected emergency situation, you never know!) I decided to pee before washing the remaining lotion off my hands thus only having to wash my hands once! Gross..yes… life lesson.. more so, you have no idea!

Life was fine until I got to the sink to wash my hands. I soon discovered and more importantly REMEMBERED where I had heard that word “Capsaicin”. Flashes of images from the Food network and Alton Brown started popping into my head. Ghost chili peppers… eating.. burning..people crying… Alton explaining something…. ah yes this is the active ingredient in hot peppers!

Well, needless to say I started to burn, but not only burn, but burn to the point of being stunned like a deer in headlights that had his crotch on fire and had no pants on.. yes, that kind of deer… I was no Bambi.

I grabbed a washrag and ran cold water on it to wipe off this remaining devils lotion not realizing though that what I was doing was spreading it around more surface area. This seemed to work brilliantly for the first thirty second but then I quickly found out that the lotion of the devil simply chuckled at my feeble washrag and cold water. The pain increased ten fold….

Next I figured I would hop in the shower and take a cold shower using soap to get this stuff off me. I jumped in, well more like hobbled in as though I had been whacked with a golf club in the crotch while being smacked in the face with a cold dead fish and proceeded to scrub my body with soap and water.. COLD WATER….

Well, unfortunately this topical devils cream was annoyed yet again by this concept of cleansing and lashed back by burning/stinging more than what I can only imagine having fire ants attack one specific part of the body would feel like. However in my case it happened to be the LEAST desirable spot. (This area seems to be getting quite a bit of unwanted attention!)

At this point I grabbed the empty Capsaicin box in hopes that it had some sort of directions on how to get oneself out of this situation. I mean, who creates a product like this and doesn’t put the “anti-venom” formula on the outside of the box? Certainly I can’t be the only one who’s found themselves in this position.. Can I? Apparently, Walgreens generic brand thought I was and didn’t put the directions of “how to stop this burning pain” anywhere on the box. And to remind you, we are not talking about a burning pain like one may have if they get some scalding water on their face.. oh no, that is for wimps compared to the reality I was living.

Now at some time during this crippling experience I must have wiped the tears from my eyes because my eyes started burning and watering.

I was stuck in the bathroom half naked, eyes watering and crotch burning, when of all people came to mind, Mr. Alton Brown! I knew that my endless hours of watching him and the Food Network would pay off some day! Of course, water does nothing for those who have eaten the almighty ghost chili pepper which of course contains capsaicin! What always comes to the rescue to those who have eaten peppers? Milk!

Half naked I run to the kitchen to find some milk.

I get to the fridge and the first thing I spot is unsweetened chocolate almond milk, something instinctively told me that this was not the droid I was looking for…(Google it!)

So I grabbed the REAL milk (from a cow), found a cup and poured a full glass. I then ran (hobbled) back to the bathroom.

Now I am going to warn you now that I am going to paint a rather gross picture, more disturbing than I have thus far, so now would be a good time to stop reading if these visuals are bothering you so far.

I started pouring the milk all over my genitals in hopes of stopping this burning pain. This started to work…however the problem here deals with physics. You see, you can pour all you want down the FRONT but that does not take care of, shall we say, the undercarriage pain. (if you will, and I know you will).  So in a last ditch effort I straddled the toilet (with the seat up for the record) and proceeded to dip, who am I kidding, PLUNGED my genitals into the cup of cold milk and let them sit there.

I realize how absurd this whole dilemma sounds but I feel the need to share it for one reason; educating others who may find themselves in my shoes. If you happened to decide to pee after applying Capsaicin to your knee’s but before washing your hands…. The trick is milk my friends. I was never really a milk fan to be honest, even as a kid I never really liked it. I have made peace (and perhaps friends) with milk as of last night. We are now new buddies who fought as a team to beat the devil and his evil topical cream called Capsaicin.

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